The Most Difficult

The hardest part of having Turner's for me has been the infertility. I was only about 15 when I was told that more likely than not I would not be able to have my own children. Being that young I tried to tell myself that the doctor's were wrong, I would be one of the chosen few with mosiac Turner's that would get pregnant. I always held out the little speck of hope.

When I was first put on the birth control and fairly easily got my first cylce, I honestly bacame even more excited. That fact made the sliver of hope grow. Through my teens, I focused on the tiniest of chances that I would one day become a mother. When I babysat neighborhood children, I would force myself to treat and talk to them as I pictured myself doing someday to my own children. I held this hope until about two and half years ago.

Two and a half years ago, I wanted to actually start going through the tests to find out exactly what my chances were to get pregnant. The first test I had my doctors do was test my FSH( follicle stimulating hormone), when I got the results back I was somewhat devastated. My doctor had told my that my FSH levels were at a post menapausal rate. I shrugged it off though, because I hadn't been on my medication so I figured if I got back on my meds the levels would change. The second test that they ran was a pelvic ultrasound. For those that don't know, a pelvic ultrasound is basically the same thing as when a woman is pregnant, but you aren't looking for the baby.The results of this test really devastated me. I was told that they couldn't even see my ovaries, either they were only streaks......or they didn't exist.

The devastation I felt on those occaions was inmeasurable. I wanted to curl up in a ball and hide. It had hit me that I would never experience the joys of pregancy. I would never have sonogram appointments, I would never feel the baby kick, I would never have the man in my life feel my stomach to feel the baby, and the biggest one of all......I would never experience giving birth. To be brutally honest, the devastation never has ever really left my heart. I'm at that age to where all my freinds are getting married and having children. Most of the girls I went to school with already have 2 or even three kids. Sometimes I get thrown back to being the outcast.....I'll be the only one of my family and freinds to not have my own children. Most of the time I'm ok with it, I've accepted it. The times it usually starts hitting me agian is when I found our about another freind of family member having a baby. One of the hardest days of the year for me is mother's day.

I'm not gonna sugar coat this, this is the absolute worst part about Turner's for me. I'm not the only girl with Turner's who feels this way either. If you look at message boards and other blogs you will hear a lot of the same things about the infertility that I am telling you now. From what I've noticed, the infertility is a big reason that most Turner's girls end up finding careers that somehow involve children. My advice to all who read is this, find a good councelor to help with the grief and help you learn to accept the horrible truth. A really good councelor can also get you in touch with resources such as adoption, foster care, and IVF. I know it's definitely not the same, but if you want to be a parent bad enough....you have options.